Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt II

For some time, although my mental health & general outlook has been more positive than the beginning of this year, I have been feeling utterly exhausted. Physically and mentally. I kept putting this down to three children ’cause let’s face it that’s a full-on proposition but in the back of mind I had a nagging feeling something wasn’t quite right.

Cue a blood test. The results showed that my thyroid isn’t working as it should thanks to medication I was on a while back. Added to that I have lower than usual haemaglobin. Both these issues are now being dealt to with some medication and diet.

The mental exhaustion is something else. It’s a kind of listlessness. Being a stay-at-home parent can be sheer drudgery at times. It’s easy to get sucked into a vortex of “when the kids are all at school I’ll be creative again” & “it’s not fair J has a much better time at work than I do”. ¬†Doing lots of cleaning doesn’t help this outlook. ¬†Actively engaging with the pre-schoolers and at Playcentre does help. Giving myself some time away from it all does too.

An aunt of mine is fond of telling me that she was always blaming her husband and her children for why grand events weren’t happening in her life. That her family were holding her back from achieving. She said once she realised that she stood in her own way she got a lot more done.

I am trying to take that advice, to watch who and how I blame others. I have been a procrastinator since I can remember. Nothing to do with three children. Nothing to do with J. My biggest threat is myself. A little doubting voice that says what if I try and fail is the thing that has held me back but if I never sit down, put the work into it there will never be anything much to show for it.

Some photographs, a few poems, almost 60,000 tweets. And four beautiful children.

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winter tears



winter tears

Originally uploaded by beccaplusmolly

some times the pain of losing findlay blindsides me. today i re-visited a blog that i read regularly after jacob and findlay were born. i haven’t read it for a couple of years. in the meantime this lucky woman had given birth to healthy twins. ouch my heart.

four beautiful ones



three

Originally uploaded by beccaplusmolly

we’ve reached the end of the decade. looking bad it’s easy to dwell on the low points – there’s been a few and they’ve been mighty tough – but i’d like to concentrate on what was good & what continues to bring me hope & joy.

some highlights: april 27, 2004 – birth of my daughter molly, 27 january 2008 – j & i were married at cheltenham beach in devonport, 8 february 2008 – our twin boys jacob & findlay were born and 24 september 2009 our youngest son pete was born.

findlay’s funeral on february 15, 2008 & a year later the memorial comemoration for our beautiful wee boy helped to remind us how loved he was and we all are. without our family & friends we would not be the family that we are and that we continue to strive to be.

if the decade ahead holds as much joy as this one has i will be a lucky woman.

transitions

chiaroscuro

Originally uploaded by beccaplusmolly

it’s been a while since i have been able to set aside some time for writing and peaceful thinking but being assigned to bed rest seems like it might be the right moment.

our little family has been in transition lately. firstly, over the christmas holidays we moved house for the third time in less than two years. (sigh). a move that although a little sad is also positive. we have shacked up with my mum in the medium term, hopefully so we can save some money and pay off some accumulated debts.

then of course we have had the first anniversary of jacob and findlay’s birth. a celebration and a memorial. some laughter and some tears. sounds cliche but for us it was true. i am so proud to see my little son growing, walking, learning about books and language. i also mourn my little boy who died and wonder how life would be different if he had been here with us.

now my eldest child (daughter) is making tracks to school. she turns five on april 27 and has had two school visits. she has gone from saying “mum i don’t want to start school until i am 50” to being a kid who can’t wait for Tuesday morning which is visiting day. she is so ripe for greater learning it’s exhilirating, we merely follow in her wake.

and then the bed rest… i am almost 12 weeks pregnant but have had some bleeding. it’s not major, heavy or full of pain but it causes some anxiety. i had a scan this week which showed the baby’s heart beating and movement. so far, so good. i am off to see the midwife at the end of this week and will try to stay off my feet in the meantime. i am want to be excited but need to hold on to my heart for now.