or perhaps it should be “does not work well with others”. i’m not sure. maybe it’s both.
recently i joined an organisation i was part of as a child. in my heart i know it is a good place, it is right for my family and my kids but right now i am struggling with it.
at first it was all sunshine and roses. I ran around high and happy and excited with my new project. Then things at home became very difficult. Geek boy and I are living apart for the time being. Not a choice taken lightly and very stressful for all involved. Suddenly being part of such a family focussed place makes me feel strange, an outsider. as rebellious as i like to paint myself, internally, cringeworthily, i have this enormous desire to conform . One of these families is NOT like the other ones….
secondly, during a moment of high stress i had an unfortunate run in with one of the other parents. a lovely woman who had been very kind when i first joined. now despite apologies from me things between us are awkward. i feel like everyone saw what happened and sees how it is now. i blotted my copybook so soon. my instinct is to quit and leave my mistake behind me.
thirdly, this is a place where there are unwritten rules, codes of conduct that those in the know know of. break those rules and you are frowned upon. so it is that i find for the second week in a row that i have broken the rules. first it was walking around with hot drinks and second it was answering my cell phone on session. i understand both rules have good reasons behind them. today when i answered my phone it was with very good reason and i riled at being told off. yes, does not respond well to criticism. i’m a poor me after it has happened. it boils inside me until later on it comes out in tears. my instinct is to quit and leave the reprimands behind me.
i want to do this right. i want these people to like me. like a sad 14 year old i want to fit in with the gang, be one of the cool kids. for now i am the new kid on the block wearing a skirt when everyone else chose jeans.