* Make coffee & breakfast
* Have a shower
* Hang out washing
* Do the breakfast dishes
* Clean the bathroom
* Have lunch with James
* Stay with this list
* Make a pot of coffee
* Record another poem onto SoundCloud
* Clean up the kitchen
* Begin de-cluttering my wardrobe
* Do three loads of washing
* Make Pete’s & my lunch
* Clean the bathroom
* Make dinner (probably a stir-fry)
For some time, although my mental health & general outlook has been more positive than the beginning of this year, I have been feeling utterly exhausted. Physically and mentally. I kept putting this down to three children ’cause let’s face it that’s a full-on proposition but in the back of mind I had a nagging feeling something wasn’t quite right.
Cue a blood test. The results showed that my thyroid isn’t working as it should thanks to medication I was on a while back. Added to that I have lower than usual haemaglobin. Both these issues are now being dealt to with some medication and diet.
The mental exhaustion is something else. It’s a kind of listlessness. Being a stay-at-home parent can be sheer drudgery at times. It’s easy to get sucked into a vortex of “when the kids are all at school I’ll be creative again” & “it’s not fair J has a much better time at work than I do”. Doing lots of cleaning doesn’t help this outlook. Actively engaging with the pre-schoolers and at Playcentre does help. Giving myself some time away from it all does too.
An aunt of mine is fond of telling me that she was always blaming her husband and her children for why grand events weren’t happening in her life. That her family were holding her back from achieving. She said once she realised that she stood in her own way she got a lot more done.
I am trying to take that advice, to watch who and how I blame others. I have been a procrastinator since I can remember. Nothing to do with three children. Nothing to do with J. My biggest threat is myself. A little doubting voice that says what if I try and fail is the thing that has held me back but if I never sit down, put the work into it there will never be anything much to show for it.
Some photographs, a few poems, almost 60,000 tweets. And four beautiful children.